How to shoot yourself in the foot (DO NOT Read in the office)
- by TATWORTH
Originally posted on: http://geekswithblogs.net/TATWORTH/archive/2013/06/21/how-to-shoot-yourself-in-the-foot-do-not-read.aspxLet me make it absolutely clear - the following is:merely collated by your Geek from http://www.codeproject.com/Lounge.aspx?msg=3917012#xx3917012xxvery, very very funny so you read it in the presence of others at your own riskso here is the list - you have been warned!C
You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++
You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since
you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,
then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling facility.
Modula-2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL
USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
Lisp
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds...
BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Forth
Foot yourself in the shoot.
APL
You shoot yourself in the foot; then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Snobol
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program
figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how
you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back
deep-fried.
FORTRAN-77
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,
then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue anyway because you still can't do exception-processing.
Modula-2 (alternative)
You perform a shooting on what might be currently a foot with what might
be currently a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
BASIC (compiled)
You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
Visual Basic
You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
Forth (alternative)
BULLET DUP3 * GUN LOAD FOOT AIM TRIGGER PULL BANG! EMIT DEAD IF DROP ROT
THEN (This takes about five bytes of memory, executes in two to ten
clock cycles on any processor and can be used to replace any existing
function of the language as well as in any future words). (Welcome to
bottom up programming - where you, too, can perform compiler
pre-processing instead of writing code)
APL (alternative)
You hear a gunshot and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
or
@#&^$%&%^ foot
Pascal (alternative)
Same as Modula-2 except that the bullet is not the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
Snobol (alternative)
You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
Prolog (alternative)
You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to
find its mark, backtracks to the gun, which then explodes in your face.
COMAL
You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol, but the
bore is clogged, and the pressure build-up blows apart both the pistol
and your hand.
or
draw_pistol
aim_at_foot(left)
pull_trigger
hop(swearing)
Scheme
As Lisp, but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
Algol
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
aesthetically fascinating and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in
the emergency room.
Ada
If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States
Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing
squad and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at the feet."
or
The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.
or
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load
the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When
you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
or
After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the
gun, pull the trigger, scream, and confidently aim at your foot knowing
it is safe. However the cordite in the round does an Unchecked
Conversion, fires and shoots you in the foot anyway.
Eiffel
You create a GUN object, two FOOT objects and a BULLET object. The GUN
passes both the FOOT objects a reference to the BULLET. The FOOT objects
increment their hole counts and forget about the BULLET. A little demon
then drives a garbage truck over your feet and grabs the bullet (both
of it) on the way.
Smalltalk
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system
that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation and
makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
or
You send the message shoot to gun, with selectors bullet and myFoot. A
window pops up saying Gunpowder doesNotUnderstand: spark. After several
fruitless hours spent browsing the methods for Trigger, FiringPin and
IdealGas, you take the easy way out and create ShotFoot, a subclass of
Foot with an additional instance variable bulletHole.
Object Oriented Pascal
You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might
currently be a bullet fired from what might currently be a gun.
PL/I
You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size,
triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes and drops the original
one on your foot.
Postscript
foot bullets 6 locate loadgun aim gun shoot showpage or It takes the
bullet ten minutes to travel from the gun to your foot, by which time
you're long since gone out to lunch. The text comes out great, though.
PERL
You stab yourself in the foot repeatedly with an incredibly large and very heavy Swiss Army knife.
or
You pick up the gun and begin to load it. The gun and your foot begin to
grow to huge proportions and the world around you slows down, until the
gun fires. It makes a tiny hole, which you don't feel.
Assembly Language
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator
arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the
administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room
rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
or
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first
reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.or The bullet travels to
your foot instantly, but it took you three weeks to load the round and
aim the gun.
BCPL
You shoot yourself somewhere in the leg -- you can't get any finer resolution than that.
Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory,
the bullet and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun.
When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Powerbuilder
While attempting to load the gun you discover that the LoadGun system
function is buggy; as a work around you tape the bullet to the outside
of the gun and unsuccessfully attempt to fire it with a nail. In
frustration you club your foot with the butt of the gun and explain to
your client that this approximates the functionality of shooting
yourself in the foot and that the next version of Powerbuilder will fix
it.
Standard ML
By the time you get your code to typecheck, you're using a shoot to foot yourself in the gun.
MUMPS
You shoot 583149 AK-47 teflon-tipped, hollow-point, armour-piercing
bullets into even-numbered toes on odd-numbered feet of everyone in the
building -- with one line of code. Three weeks later you shoot yourself
in the head rather than try to modify that line.
Java
You locate the Gun class, but discover that the Bullet class is
abstract, so you extend it and write the missing part of the
implementation. Then you implement the ShootAble interface for your
foot, and recompile the Foot class. The interface lets the bullet call
the doDamage method on the Foot, so the Foot can damage itself in the
most effective way. Now you run the program, and call the doShoot method
on the instance of the Gun class. First the Gun creates an instance of
Bullet, which calls the doFire method on the Gun. The Gun calls the
hit(Bullet) method on the Foot, and the instance of Bullet is passed to
the Foot. But this causes an IllegalHitByBullet exception to be thrown,
and you die.
Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot
or
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
370 JCL (alternative)
You shoot yourself in the head just thinking about it.
DOS JCL
You first find the building you're in in the phone book, then find your
office number in the corporate phone book. Then you have to write this
down, then describe, in cubits, your exact location, in relation to the
door (right hand side thereof). Then you need to write down the location
of the gun (loading it is a proprietary utility), then you load it, and
the COBOL program, and run them, and, with luck, it may be run tonight.
VMS
$ MOUNT/DENSITY=.45/LABEL=BULLET/MESSAGE="BYE" BULLET::BULLET$GUN
SYS$BULLET $ SET
GUN/LOAD/SAFETY=OFF/SIGHT=NONE/HAND=LEFT/CHAMBER=1/ACTION=AUTOMATIC/
LOG/ALL/FULL SYS$GUN_3$DUA3:[000000]GUN.GNU $ SHOOT/LOG/AUTO SYS$GUN SYS$SYSTEM:[FOOT]FOOT.FOOT
%DCL-W-ACTIMAGE, error activating image GUN -CLI-E-IMGNAME, image file
$3$DUA240:[GUN]GUN.EXE;1 -IMGACT-F-NOTNATIVE, image is not an OpenVMS
Alpha AXP image or %SYS-F-FTSHT, foot shot (fifty lines of traceback
omitted) sh,csh, etc You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you
spend five hours reading manual pages, then your foot falls asleep. You
shoot the computer and switch to C.
Apple System 7
Double click the gun icon and a window giving a selection for guns,
target areas, plus balloon help with medical remedies, and assorted
sound effects.
Click "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with note "Error of Type 1 has occurred."
Windows 3.1
Double click the gun icon and wait. Eventually a window opens giving a
selection for guns, target areas, plus balloon help with medical
remedies, and assorted sound effects. Click "shoot" button and a small
box appears with note "Unable to open Shoot.dll, check that path is
correct."
Windows 95
Your gun is not compatible with this OS and you must buy an upgrade and
install it before you can continue. Then you will be informed that you
don't have enough memory.
CP/M
I remember when shooting yourself in the foot with a BB gun was a big deal.
DOS
You finally found the gun, but can't locate the file with the foot for the life of you.
MSDOS
You shoot yourself in the foot, but can unshoot yourself with add-on software.
Access
You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
dBase
You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time
your foot feels the pain, you've forgotten why you shot yourself
anyway.
or
You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are
promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next
version of the gun is the one scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
DBase IV, V1.0
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly designed hand grenade and the whole building blows up.
SQL
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it
returns, it has a hole in it but will no longer fit the attachment at
the end of your leg.
or
Insert into Foot
Select Bullet
>From Gun.Hand
Where Chamber = 'LOADED'
And Trigger = 'PULLED'
Clipper
You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can
shoot yourself in the foot and discover that the gun that the bullets
fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail
_REAL_SOON_NOW_.
Oracle
The menus for coding foot_shooting have not been implemented yet and you can't do foot shooting in SQL.
English
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. (For those who don't
know, English is a McDonnell Douglas/PICK query language which allegedly
requires 110% of system resources to run happily.) Revelation [an
implementation of the PICK Operating System] You'll be able to shoot
yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these
bullets are for.
FlagShip
Starting at the top of your head, you aim the gun at yourself repeatedly
until, half an hour later, the gun is finally pointing at your foot and
you pull the trigger. A new foot with a hole in it appears but you
can't work out how to get rid of the old one and your gun doesn't work
anymore.
FidoNet
You put your foot in your mouth, then echo it internationally.
PicoSpan [a UNIX-based computer conferencing system] You can't shoot yourself in the foot because you're not a host.
or (host variation)
Whenever you shoot yourself in the foot, someone opens a topic in policy about it.
Internet
You put your foot in your mouth, shoot it, then spam the bullet so that everybody gets shot in the foot.
troff
rmtroff -ms -Hdrwp | lpr -Pwp2 & .*place bullet in footer .B .NR FT +3i .in
4 .bu Shoot! .br .sp .in -4 .br .bp NR HD -2i .*
Genetic Algorithms
You create 10,000 strings describing the best way to shoot yourself in
the foot. By the time the program produces the optimal solution, humans
have evolved wings and the problem is moot.
CSP (Communicating Sequential Processes) You only fail to shoot everything that isn't your foot.
MS-SQL Server
MS-SQL Server’s gun comes pre-loaded with an unlimited supply of Teflon
coated bullets, and it only has two discernible features: the muzzle and
the trigger. If that wasn't enough, MS-SQL Server also puts the gun in
your hand, applies local anesthetic to the skin of your forefinger and
stitches it to the gun's trigger. Meanwhile, another process has set up a
spinal block to numb your lower body. It will then proceeded to
surgically remove your foot, cryogenically freeze it for preservation,
and attach it to the muzzle of the gun so that no matter where you aim,
you will shoot your foot.
In order to avoid shooting yourself in the foot, you need to unstitch
your trigger finger, remove your foot from the muzzle of the gun, and
have it surgically reattached. Then you probably want to get some
crutches and go out to buy a book on SQL Server Performance Tuning.
Sybase
Sybase's gun requires assembly, and you need to go out and purchase your
own clip and bullets to load the gun. Assembly is complicated by the
fact that Sybase has hidden the gun behind a big stack of reference
manuals, but it hasn't told you where that stack is. While you were off
finding the gun, assembling it, buying bullets, etc., Sybase was also
busy surgically removing your foot and cryogenically freezing it for
preservation. Instead of attaching it to the muzzle of the gun, though,
it packed your foot on dry ice and sent it UPS-Ground to an unnamed
hookah bar somewhere in the middle east. In order to shoot your foot,
you must modify your gun with a GPS system for targeting and hire some
guy named "Indy" to find the hookah bar and wire the coordinates back to
you. By this time, you've probably become so daunted at the tasks stand
between you and shooting your foot that you hire a guy who's read all
the books on Sybase to help you shoot your foot.
If you're lucky, he'll be smart enough both to find your foot and to stop you from shooting it.
Magic software
You spend 1 week looking up the correct syntax for GUN. When you find
it, you realise that GUN will not let you shoot in your own foot. It
will allow you to shoot almost anything but your foot. You then decide
to build your own gun. You can't use the standard barrel since this will
only allow for standard bullets, which will not fire if the barrel is
pointed at your foot.
After four weeks, you have created your own custom gun. It blows up in
your hand without warning, because you failed to initialise the safety
catch and it doesn't know whether the initial state is "0", 0, NULL,
"ZERO", 0.0, 0,0, "0.0", or "0,00". You fix the problem with your
remaining hand by nesting 12 safety catches, and then decide to build
the gun without safety catch. You then shoot the management and retire
to a happy life where you code in languages that will allow you to shoot
your foot in under 10 days.FirefoxLets you shoot yourself in as many feet as you'd like, while using multiple great addons! IEA moving target in terms of standard ammunition size and doesn't always work properly with non-Microsoft ammunition, so sometimes you shoot something other than your foot. However, it's the corporate world's standard foot-shooting apparatus. Hackers seem to enjoy rigging websites up to trigger cascading foot-shooting failures. Windows 98 About the same as Windows 95 in terms of overall bullet capacity and triggering mechanisms. Includes updated DirectShot API. A new version was released later on to support USB guns, Windows 98 SE.WPF:You get your baseball glove and a ball and you head out to your backyard, where you throw balls to your pitchback. Then your unkempt-haired-cargo-shorts-and-sandals-with-white-socks-wearing neighbor uses XAML to sculpt your arm into a gun, the ball into a bullet and the pitchback into your foot. By now, however, only the neighbor can get it to work and he's only around from 6:30 PM - 3:30 AM. LOGO: You very carefully lay out the trajectory of the bullet. Then you start the gun, which fires very slowly. You walk precisely to the point where the bullet will travel and wait, but just before it gets to you, your class time is up and one of the other kids has already used the system to hack into Sony's PS3 network. Flash: Someone has designed a beautiful-looking gun that anyone can shoot their feet with for free. It weighs six hundred pounds. All kinds of people are shooting themselves in the feet, and sending the link to everyone else so that they can too. That is, except for the criminals, who are all stealing iOS devices that the gun won't work with.APL: Its (mostly) all greek to me. Lisp: Place ((gun in ((hand sight (foot then shoot))))) (Lots of Insipid Stupid Parentheses)Apple OS/X and iOS Once a year, Steve Jobs returns from sick leave to tell millions of unwavering fans how they will be able to shoot themselves in the foot differently this year. They retweet and blog about it ad nauseam, and wait in line to be the first to experience "shoot different".Windows ME Usually fails, even at shooting you in the foot. Yo dawg, I heard you like shooting yourself in the foot. So I put a gun in your gun, so you can shoot yourself in the foot while you shoot yourself in the foot. (Okay, I'm not especially proud of this joke.) Windows 2000 Now you really do have to log in, before you are allowed to shoot yourself in the foot.Windows XPYou thought you learned your lesson: Don't use Windows ME. Then, along came this new creature, built on top of Windows NT! So you spend the next couple days installing antivirus software, patches and service packs, just so you can get that driver to install, and then proceed to shoot yourself in the foot. Windows Vista Newer! Glossier! Shootier! Windows 7 The bullets come out a lot smoother. Active Directory Each bullet now has an attached Bullet Identifier, and can be uniquely identified. Policies can be applied to dictate fragmentation, and the gun will occasionally have a confusing delay after the trigger has been pulled. PythonYou try to use import foot; foot.shoot() only to realize that's only available in 3.0, to which you can't yet upgrade from 2.7 because of all those extension libs lacking support. Solaris Shoots best when used on SPARC hardware, but still runs the trigger GUI under Java. After weeks of learning the appropriate STOP command to prevent the trigger from automatically being pressed on boot, you think you've got it under control. Then the one time you ever use dtrace, it hits a bug that fires the gun. MySQL The feature that allows you to shoot yourself in the foot has been in development for about 6 years, and they are adding it into the next version, which is coming out REAL SOON NOW, promise! But you can always check it out of source control and try it yourself (just not in any environment where data integrity is important because it will probably explode.) PostgreSQLAllows you to have a smug look on your face while you shoot yourself in the foot, because those MySQL guys STILL don't have that feature. NoSQL Barrel? Who needs a barrel? Just put the bullet on your foot, and strike it with a hammer. See? It's so much simpler and more efficient that way. You can even strike multiple bullets in one swing if you swing with a good enough arc, because hammers are easy to use. Getting them to synchronize is a little difficult, though.Eclipse There are about a dozen different packages for shooting yourself in the foot, with weird interdependencies on outdated components. Once you finally navigate the morass and get one installed, you then have something to look at while you shoot yourself in the foot with that package: You can watch the screen redraw.Outlook Makes it really easy to let everyone know you shot yourself in the foot!Shooting yourself in the foot using delegates.You really need to shoot yourself in the foot but you hate firearms (you don't want any dependency on the specifics of shooting) so you delegate it to somebody else. You don't care how it is done as long is shooting your foot. You can do it asynchronously in case you know you may faint so you are called back/slapped in the face by your shooter/friend (or background worker) when everything is done.C#You prepare the gun and the bullet, carefully modeling all of the physics of a bullet traveling through a foot. Just before you're about to pull the trigger, you stumble on System.Windows.BodyParts.Foot.ShootAt(System.Windows.Firearms.IGun gun) in the extended framework, realize you just wasted the entire afternoon, and shoot yourself in the head.PHP<?phprequire("foot_safety_check.php");?><!DOCTYPE HTML><html><head> <!--Lower!--><title>Shooting me in the foot</title></head> <body> <!--LOWER!!!--><leg> <!--OK, I made this one up...--><footer><?php echo (dungSift($_SERVER['HTTP_USER_AGENT'], "ie"))?("Your foot is safe, but you might want to wear a hard hat!"):("<div class=\"shot\">BANG!</div>"); ?></footer></leg> </body> </html>
